Call for Submissions: Re-write the Lyrics to “Roxanne” by The Police

We’re having a girl!  Yay!  And we’re naming her Roxanne!  Double yay!

Except we’re both kind of sort of worried that the immediate association for anyone over 25 who hears the name “Roxanne” will be that song by The Police.  And naturally so.  It’s pretty catchy.  Our first indication that it might be a problem was that within about 2 seconds of pitching the name out there as a possibility, one of us started singing it.  The most recent indication came when the ultrasound technician asked us if we had a name picked out – when we told her, her immediate response was “I love that song!”

Yeah, I love that song, too.  But it’s about a whore.  So I’ll feel like an awful mother if I sing it to my baby.

Daniel came up with a pretty good solution. He’s suggested a few times that we simply use the name “Roxanna” instead of “Roxanne.”  Which makes a lot of sense.  Except that for reasons unknown, I love the name “Roxanne” but kind of don’t like the name “Roxanna” even a little bit.  I am not going to bother trying to explain this, because I don’t understand it either.

The fact that he came up with a really reasonable suggestion and I vetoed it, though, makes me extremely nervous.  If my daughter grows up with some sort of complex about the name or if, god forbid, the song enjoys some sort of renaissance or remake during her junior high school years, no one will be able to convince me that I am not personally responsible for ruining her life forever.

The only other solution is to re-write the words into something totally appropriate to sing to a baby.  Something that isn’t prostitute related.  SO I NEED YOUR HELP.

Please re-write the lyrics to “Roxanne” for me.

I’ll do this contest-style.  I’ll keep submissions open until Octoberish/Novemberish.  I’ll send you nifty prizes, including:

• A copy of my book when it comes out later this year, with a new work written on the back cover that lifts and remixes lines from the new lyrics you’ve written.
• A portrait of you hanging out with Nyan Cat, Honey Badger, Maru, or other internet celebrity of your choice, drawn by yours truly.
• Other really, really exciting things that I haven’t figured out yet.

And, of course, I’ll post the lyrics up here, because the worlds need them; I can’t be the only expectant mom out there who wants to name her daughter Roxanne and is being kept up at nights about this.  You’d be doing the world a service.  Really.  THIS IS A PUBLIC BENEFIT, AND YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON, RIGHT?

Be a superhero.  Help a sister out.

Call for submissions: Bar Napkins

One of the greatest discoveries I’ve made over the past few years is the unparalleled effectiveness of bar napkins in brain storming and planning processes.  Pretty much I’m convinced that the Fibonacci sequence was first realized through a marathon note taking session on a string of whiskey soaked napkins.  Also, this was how the pilot episode of Twin Peaks was written.

The point is that I think bar napkins deserve their due as a viable platform for ideas generated during drinking.  How else are you supposed to remember that really useful insult generator your friend came up with?

The problem is that now I’m worried that I’ll miss something very important if I don’t dedicate a portion of every drinking session to sketching out a list, letter to the editor or scientific hypothesis on a bar napkin.  Which is maybe getting annoying to people and maybe also resulted in me being really disappointed  recently when my brunch companions vetoed the “Is it Cheating or Not?” venn diagram session.

Please help me legitimize the art form by sending me your bar napkin lists.