Call for Submissions: Re-write the Lyrics to “Roxanne” by The Police

We’re having a girl!  Yay!  And we’re naming her Roxanne!  Double yay!

Except we’re both kind of sort of worried that the immediate association for anyone over 25 who hears the name “Roxanne” will be that song by The Police.  And naturally so.  It’s pretty catchy.  Our first indication that it might be a problem was that within about 2 seconds of pitching the name out there as a possibility, one of us started singing it.  The most recent indication came when the ultrasound technician asked us if we had a name picked out – when we told her, her immediate response was “I love that song!”

Yeah, I love that song, too.  But it’s about a whore.  So I’ll feel like an awful mother if I sing it to my baby.

Daniel came up with a pretty good solution. He’s suggested a few times that we simply use the name “Roxanna” instead of “Roxanne.”  Which makes a lot of sense.  Except that for reasons unknown, I love the name “Roxanne” but kind of don’t like the name “Roxanna” even a little bit.  I am not going to bother trying to explain this, because I don’t understand it either.

The fact that he came up with a really reasonable suggestion and I vetoed it, though, makes me extremely nervous.  If my daughter grows up with some sort of complex about the name or if, god forbid, the song enjoys some sort of renaissance or remake during her junior high school years, no one will be able to convince me that I am not personally responsible for ruining her life forever.

The only other solution is to re-write the words into something totally appropriate to sing to a baby.  Something that isn’t prostitute related.  SO I NEED YOUR HELP.

Please re-write the lyrics to “Roxanne” for me.

I’ll do this contest-style.  I’ll keep submissions open until Octoberish/Novemberish.  I’ll send you nifty prizes, including:

  • A copy of my book when it comes out later this year, with a new work written on the back cover that lifts and remixes lines from the new lyrics you’ve written.
  • A portrait of you hanging out with Nyan Cat, Honey Badger, Maru, or other internet celebrity of your choice, drawn by yours truly.
  • Other really, really exciting things that I haven’t figured out yet.

And, of course, I’ll post the lyrics up here, because the worlds need them; I can’t be the only expectant mom out there who wants to name her daughter Roxanne and is being kept up at nights about this.  You’d be doing the world a service.  Really.  THIS IS A PUBLIC BENEFIT, AND YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON, RIGHT?

Be a superhero.  Help a sister out.

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4 responses to “Call for Submissions: Re-write the Lyrics to “Roxanne” by The Police

  1. Roxanne is a great name, even with the extra N. I hear this song, constantly though, just FYI. Like, constantly. My students even sing it to me. I think it’s hilarious and luckily, I love the song. Also, Roxanne Roxanne, EPMD. And the Real Roxanne Shanté. There’s a rich musical tradition here.

  2. So funny – we considered naming our daughter Roxanne but ended up going with Stella. Had to explain to her why people sometimes randomly bellow out her name.

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